I’ve never been a big fan of small talk. That’s why I look forward to most parties the way other people look forward to a trip to the dentist.
It was different when I was a kid. Back then, parties were about presents, games, cake and sugar highs. These days, parties are about mindless chatter, listening to complaints about the government (local, international, basically every government in the world) and attempting to sidestep the resident alcoholic who’s had too much too drink.
Yes, party-wise, things have certainly taken a dive since my primary schooldays and I’m always pleased when I have a genuine excuse not to attend one of these sorry soirees.
Unfortunately, I also tend to feel guilty about being party averse (or as others would point out a party pooper). I genuinely admire people like my husband, The Engineer, who feeds off the energy of a crowd and gets more and more vibrant and cheerful as the evening wears on.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting in a corner trying to stifle a yawn.
I’ve always felt my lack of interest in hobnobbing and making small talk was somehow a failing on my part but I was really pleased to discover recently that not being an extrovert may not be such a bad thing after all.
I found a nifty little article on the topic in the February issue of O magazine.
The article called Shh! Your Inner Introvert Is Calling caught my eye. Written by Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, the article is about the subdued power of people who are more quiet caterpillars than social butterflies.
Susan says talking deeply can help people feel happier. She explains how jumping quickly from subject to subject (i.e idle chitchat or small talk) isn’t the forte of the average introvert who generally prefers deep,serious conversations that focus on a single topic (that’s me!). She cites a study by University of Arizona psychologist Matthias Mehl PhD. He found that the happiest participants were twice as likely to have substantive conversations as the unhappiest ones. The happy people were also far less likely to take part in small talk.
This is great news for me! Finally, a study that gives me a real reason to sidestep small talk. Less small talk = More happiness!
It’s Monday, my least favourite day of the week.
Even though I work as a freelance writer, it’s a myth that people who work from home are essentially, pajama-wearing, TV-watching layabouts who work sporadically and when the mood hits. I have to say that ever since I began working from home, I’ve been working harder than I ever had in my life!
In order to keep my sanity in the midst of working on the sea of articles that I’m currently wading through, I thought I’d take a quick break and share a Illuminated Idea that struck me out of the blue (as these types of ideas tend to do).
I’ve come to realize that while it may seem that there are a number of issues that make us unhappy or at least mildly displeased with ourselves and our day-to-day routine, the general feeling of less-than-thrilled tends to orginate from just a one or two issues that affect of our lives.
For instance, if your confidence level is low because you feel your boss has it in for you at work, that feeling is bound to radiate into other areas of your life like your marriage. You’re more likely to snap at your husband when he says dinner’s a little to salty ‘coz you’re already feeling sore about your what’s going on at the office.
So, I decided that I should really work at finding the one or two issues that create the most unhappiness in my life and here are my findings:
1) My waistline
2) My bank balance
The problem is, one expands while the other shrinks and it’s not the right one doing the expanding/ shrinking.
When I feel fat, I don’t feel like meeting people, which makes me feel reclusive and unattractive which leads to me declining invitations to social events which leaves me feeling even more reclusive…you get the picture.
As for my bank balance… well, I’m extremely fortunate that I have a seriously understanding spouse who handles the finances (plus no kids to worry about) but I recently realized that a part of my self-worth is affected by the amount of money I have in my bank account!
This might seem pretty normal to many people but it was a horrible eye-opener for me. I’ve been waiting for a few checks for some of my writing projects but they haven’t arrived yet (such is the freelance life) and I’ve been watching my bank balance get smaller and smaller. It seems to be in direct proportion with how I feel about myself – smaller and smaller.
I’m going to have to find a way to get over this. Working out to get a little more trim and earning more money will certainly do the job but I need to do something to lift my mood now.
Meditation usually gets Lizard Liz (what I call the eternally dismal, negative voice inside my head) to shut up but it’s not always possible to sneak off into a corner, sit cross-legged and get into a ‘loving kindness’ kinda mood.
Instead, I find these 3 methods are really easy to use at any time, so I’ll share them here:
Keeping an eye on my mind
When I find myself rattling on and on inside my head, I try to mentally step back and look at “Lizard Liz” (who, btw, looks like a lizard wearing a fancy hat with flowers on it). I tell her that she needs to quiet down and I use the kind of tone I would use on a small, bewildered child. This helps me feel in control and allows me to dismiss Lizard Liz’s rattling criticisim.
Changing my posture
It’s hard to feel ‘useless’ or otherwise unworthy when you’re sitting upright and have a big, silly grin on your face. If you’re at a meeting at work, you might want to leave out the silly grin but look for an opportunity to smile at someone so your mood gets lifted. This helps me push Lizard Liz (or Detrimental Dan/Nagging Nancy or whoever it may be in your case) to the back of my mind.
Separating constructive from destructive
Sometimes, I notice that Lizard Liz actually has something worthwhile to say. If I’ve been lazy and not checked my article before submitting to the editor, Liz usually pipes up with “what if there’s a ton of mistakes and the editor never calls you again.” While the words are a little extreme, the message is sound. I should check my work before submitting it to the editor. I find Liz usually goes silent the moment I do what I’m supposed to do.
Right, I’ve started my hypnosis therapy using Paul McKenna’s CD as mentioned in my previous post.
I can’t tell if it’s working yet ‘coz I just started it last night and then again this morning (you’re supposed to listen to it once in the morning and once at night). However, I must say that it’s intriguing. McKenna has a bit of a creepy voice and it took some getting used to especially on stereo but the whole CD is basically him telling you what an awesome human being you are… for nearly 30 minutes straight.
Don’t know about anyone else but I don’t think I’ve ever had the experience of having someone go on about the wonder that is Me for 30 minutes straight. So, I have to say that it’s a pretty pleasant experience.
That said, the ‘warm and fuzzy’ effects didn’t last long as I discovered this morning….
I was still feeling rather thrilled about myself after listening to the CD when I made the mistake of checking my Facebook News Feed. I found this dratted question posed by one of my male friends:
“How do regular women feel when confronted with the likes of Alessandra Ambrosio?”
If you’re unfamiliar with the world of Victoria’s Secret models, this what Alessandra looks like:
My post-hypnosis happy mood instantly took a plunge.
I took offense with the FB question for 3 reasons:
1) The guy mentioned ‘regular’ women. I suppose he means women who aren’t Victoria’s Secret models are somehow ordinary/lesser?
2) I realized that when I compare myself to Alessandra, I feel like an exceptionally short, dumpy troll.
3) I read the comments in response to his question. One woman wrote she feels fat and the other one just wrote – fugly. The question was spreading misery all over the place
Now, I’m sure my friend didn’t intend to drag anyone down but he managed to do it anyway. I, for one, never would have thought to compare myself to a Brazilian-bombshell-supermodel-perfect woman if it wasn’t for him.
The good news is, there’s scientific proof that this guy’s question definitely belongs in the Anti-Happiness category. Studies show that upward comparisons (comparing yourself to someone more beautiful, richer, funnier, smarter) is disastrous to happy feelings. The bad news is that knowing this interesting bit of data did nothing to elevate my mood at the time.
Fortunately, all was not lost. I’m pleased to report that even though I felt awful, I managed to refrain from ranting and raving about the question to my unsuspecting husband, The Engineer (something that I would have done without a second thought before I started my Journey To Happiness Experiment).
Instead, I stayed silent. I did wonder if I should comment with a scathing “the same way you would feel when confronted with the likes of say…Tom Cruise or Leonardo Di Caprio” and then promptly unfriend him but I refrained. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my Happiness Book Collection it’s to ignore something you don’t like and move on rather than dwell on it, give it more energy and drive yourself crazy in the process.
All in all, I managed to recover pretty quickly (I’d say within 10 minutes – a huge plus for me) and was back to my post-hypnosis glow once again. Hmmm….maybe McKenna’s CD works after all…..
pic credit http://www.diet-weight-lose.com
Good God – I’ve done it again! I went out and purchased yet another book – I’m officially out of control!!!!!
This time, my crime involves a book by Paul McKenna called “Change Your Life in 7 Days”.
McKenna is also the author of such bold titles as “I Can Make You Thin”, “I Can Make You Smarter” and “I Can Make You Rich.”
To be honest, I have no idea why I bought this book except that “Change Your Life in 7 Days” is such a DARN outlandish enticement that I had to check it out for myself. Also, the topic is related to my Journey To Happiness. If you want to get happier, you have to change your life in some ways, right? (okay, clutching at straws but I have to find a logical reason for buying the book!)
Anyways, I jumped on Google the moment I got home and it turns out McKenna is a British dude who – get this – used to be a DJ but who is now a master hypnotist and NLP practitioner. That was the moment when I first felt stirrings of misgivings. A DJ turned hypnotist????
Things took a turn for the worse when I happened upon a 2008 article by UK’s Daily Mail during my Google search ( why did I Google him after I had bought the book? Damnit!). The article had the disturbing title of “So Is Paul McKenna A Genius Or A Snake Oil Salesman?”
Apparently McKenna was responsible for getting talk show host Ellen DeGeneres to quit smoking and assisting Courtney Love to lose weight. His book, I Can Make You Thin, has helped turn him into a multi millionaire (in pounds, not dollars) but critics remain unconvinced.
Apparently Britain’s Advertising Standards Authority banned his advertising campaign for claiming to be ‘the most effective weight loss system available.Lose weight and keep it off.” The guys at the Authority seemed to feel there wasn’t enough evidence to prove that people using McKenna’s method would lose weight and stay trim forever… and I had just spent nearly RM70 on this guy’s book – uh oh!
Oh well, I suppose I should keep calm and carry on since I’ve already bought the book. Plus, in honour of my Journey To Happiness I really should withhold judgment and try to stay positive.
The book comes with a hypnosis CD (which you’re warned not to use while you’re operating heavy machinery i.e driving etc) as well as a DVD.I immediately downloaded the CD into my iPhone the moment I got home but I haven’t listened to it yet because I’ve been terribly busy today with 2 fashion articles for a women’s magazine. I still haven’t started on my third article, a property review, which I’m totally not looking forward to. It’s due tomorrow so I’ve got to get cracking on it but it’s going to be even more boring than it usually is because I’m writing it after the fun fashion pieces.
Gosh, I’m really not too chipper today am I?! Either way, I’m going to try the 7 Day thingee and see if I can’t do something amazing like stay cool when dealing with rude people in the service industry (really hard to do ‘coz I have a bit of a short temper).
But first….the dry, dull, dreary property review…sigh….
I ran out to get hold of some new books on happiness from Kinokuniya bookstore in Suria KLCC. This wouldn’t be a problem for most people. It’s good to read, right? Well… that depends.
I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I’m a book addict. I mean a serious addict. I’m the kind of addict who needs to belong to a group that starts its meetings with the phrase “Hello, I’m Trisha and I’m a bookaholic.” I have books I haven’t read coming out of my ears. I spend loads of cash on books. I’m afraid to add the book bills at the end of the year. All I know is that I have enough book receipts to get the government tax relief, many times over (the Malaysian government allows each individual to enjoy up to RM1,000 on tax relief per annum for books – so you do the scary math!)
Despite these disturbing personality traits, I couldn’t resist buying even more books ‘in the name of research’ for my Journey To Happiness. To be fair, I’ll probably read them all but I already have 2 books on the subject (The Geography of Bliss – Eric Weiner and Hector and the Search for Happiness – Francois Lelord, a best selling French novel that’s been translated into English) which I haven’t read yet.
Either way, I came away from Kinokuniya yesterday with two brand new books (oooh! the thrill of it ….the scent of new books, the faint rustle of untouched printed paper!).
1) Stumbling On Happiness – Daniel Gilbert
2) Getting Things Done – David Allen
Alright…technically the second book is about organizing your life (with emphasis on work) but I figure organizing your life has got to go toward making you happy. At least, I think so. It’s hard to feel joyous when you have a to-do list stretching back to 2007 that hasn’t been completed yet.
Okay, enough with waxing lyrical about nothing. Time to hit the books so I can reduce some of this book buying guilt so I can get happy again!
I’ve decided to start a Journey To Happiness Experiment.
I’m a writer and I’d like to think of myself as a thinker (although I believe there are some people out there who will totally disagree!). I made a huge career change in my late 20s. I was originally an engineer which was mind-bogglingly dull.
Even though I’ve been blessed with plenty of good things in my life – an abundance to eat, a very nice roof over my head, perfect health, a husband who loves me, a cat I adore, work that I love to do – I’m not always happy. Sure, I’m pleased and generally at peace but I’m not happy, happy, y’know?
So, I’ve decided to find this elusive happiness that always seems just a little out of reach. I’ve been more or less searching for it all my life. I love to read and I’ve been on the Happiness Path ever since I got my hands on a book called “Being Happy” by Andrew Matthews when I was 15.
Through the course of my work, I had the good fortune to meet and interview the author just a few months back. I told him how his book helped shape the course of my life. It was a happy moment for both of us : )
This blog is my way of keeping track of my thoughts and whatever I learn as I journey into the relatively unknown space of my own mind and attempt to rewire my brain from so-so to joyously happy. I’m a reader and I will chiefly look for the key to unlocking a flood of happy from books written by others who have followed the path before me.
I haven’t yet decided how long I’m going to give myself to reach a level of everyday happy that I’m happy with but 9 months comes to mind. If it takes just 9 months to create a wonderful, functioning, unique human being, it shouldn’t take longer than that to find a satisfactory level of happiness in my life.
So…here I go!