So much has changed since my last post. It was just under two weeks ago but it feels like a lifetime has passed.
I lost someone very dear to me. All my knowledge on finding happiness and staying in joy went out the window the instant I heard the news. I felt only a heavy, crushing sadness.
All I could think of was how much I wish it wasn’t true and how I would give anything to turn back time. As with many of the most important people in life, I feel I took this dear soul for granted. I did not realize her true value until she was gone.
The past few weeks have been an ocean of sorrow and grief. I have barely been able to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few moments. I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by beloved family and kind friends who have helped me and my loved ones through this difficult time but deep down I know life as I know it has changed forever.
I have learned a few hard lessons in the past few days. I have read about these lessons before and understood them intellectually but experiencing them really drove their messages home:
1. Your life can change completely and irrevocably with just one phone call.
2. The people who are kind to you are the most important people in the world. Always find time for them – always. You never know when they’ll be gone.
3. A great loss and the sadness that accompanies it literally feels like a weight on your chest. It was hard to move for the first few days. Even the air seemed thick and heavy and I felt like I was walking through water. It takes time for the feeling to dissipate – time for it to get easier to breathe again.
Suddenly, my writing goals, the deadlines, my personal ambitions, this blog and everything else that had seemed so unbelievably important ceased to raise even a flicker of interest. I feel weary – bone tired. It is a feeling that still threatens to overwhelm.
I have found one kernel of comfort in this sea of sadness – my petty worries have been wiped away. All the little things I worried about – what people think of me, what I think of people, how the guards at our apartment building are kinda rude, the way the newspaper guy keeps dropping the paper all over our shoes at the front door – none of these things matter and I wish to hold on to this fresh, clean slate.
I have also come to realize that it’s more important than ever to continue on my Journey To Happiness Experiment. Life is fleeting – it is so important to be happy now. You never know what will change in the next moment.
Once the initial grief receded a little, I found myself thinking of Baz Luhrmann’s Sunscreen Song and how I’ve always wanted to live by the words. Looks like it’s time to start….